Cannonballs

Cannons fire in my head,

Left to right and then I’m dead,

When I hear a cannon’s fire,

I wish I lived with the hobbits in The Shire.

Instead.

Do ya hair ya mug.

Presto changeo day

The monkestry reeeeallly needed a shake up this week. This is what I did – I put everyone’s name in a hat and threw it off a bridge. Then I listed everyone’s duties in a column on a whiteboard with their names alongside that in another column. Next, I drew lines connecting each person to a different occupation.
For 24 hours, everyone had a new duty to perform. Did it force people to change, react, adapt and so on? Find out for yourself… (I’m too lazy to tell you.)

Clean the toiley
Daphne (formerly done by Des)
Daphne did an amazing job. The toiley was cleaned with a variety of fragrant detergents regularly through the day. In fact, every time I had finished with it, Daphne was immediately in after me, scrubbing away inside the bowl. To use the toiley, one had to move the decorative ribbons to one side, but I didn’t mind. She even put the spare toilet roll under this crochet ballerina thing which, quite frankly, I approved of.

Doorman
Des (formerly Doris)
This endeavour was less successful. I mean, Des means well and it started OK, but my office was regularly swamped with people wanting a hand out. In the middle of Vespers I even had to stop my prayers when the noise of an old swagman snoring in a pew became too much. As annoying and hated as Doris’s strict entrance policy is, it was shown to be much better than this lax option. I’m still missing my stapler.

DJ
Doris (formerly Daphne)
This week’s disco sucked. Doris had not done any preparation, and when it was time to get our groove on, she just stood on stage, claimed she didn’t know how to use the sound system (I have shown her numerous times), and walked off. We were left hanging. My shiny purple pants that I wear under my robe each week were totally wasted.

Sit in the corner and mope
Jeremy (formerly Jeremy)
I have to explain why Jeremy didn’t get to swap jobs. He didn’t come to the staff meeting, for one thing. For another, he didn’t pay me any attention whatsoever after I called his name repeatedly and tapped him on the shoulder. He smelled a bit. If he has decided just to let himself go, then fine – I don’t need to interact with him. Wake up to yourself, Jeremy, wake up.

Amen, brother.

Blogging bubbles burst

I, Monk Monkey, will now speak to you from his heart – his monkey heart, full of tasty courage and well-meaning hearty goodness.

I started my first blog in 2009 (I think). I got two page views over a year or more of dedicated service (keep in mind this was before blogs were cool). I didn’t care, though. Oh, and no, I am not sharing the URL but the first person who finds it and gives me page view number three wins a banana.
I started my next blog about 13 months ago. I built up a lot of page views and hits and page views and follows and hits and I loved it…until I didn’t care anymore.
Then I started this humble blog.

But ah! how the last year has changed things!

A year ago, I had no real acquaintances (being a monk and a monkey does not make thee popular be). I was cool with that. But then, a man named…let’s call him ‘Kris’…found my blog. He commented a few times and was really really funny. I felt a real connection to Kris. Like two birds of a feather (PS: I REALLY HATE THAT SAYING!) Once, Kris reblogged one of my posts. That introduced me to ‘Loren’ and to ‘Mad-D.’
Loren was hilarious too. Mad-D was so nice to me. She read my blog religiously and I hers. But the thing is, these three people liked me as a person too! They emailed me, messaged me, tweeted me…Loren even called me! I was actually getting ready to say I, A LONELY MONK HAVE NEW FRIENDS! Woo!
Then, the blog world opened even more. I met ‘Beck’ (not the singer guy), ‘Sister John’, ‘Jenn,’ ‘urunubreathe,’ ‘Viv,’ ‘O’Callaghan’ and more. We read each other’s stuff and commented on each other’s stuff. I even re-opened my MonkBook account for the first time in two years to get to know them better.

I was in cyber heaven. They were all so lovely and happy and made me feel so nice!

Then…

Circumstances meant Kris sort of stopped blogging, Loren sort of did, Jenn sort of did, Mad-D sort of did, ururnubreathe sort of did, Viv definitely did… O’Callaghan kept to his usual routine and Sister John never stopped blogging, but he changed the design of his blog which threw me a little bit…

About this time I was very busy writing monk pamphlets and designing monkey games and I started going to AJU (Australian Jungle University)…so I had almost zero time to spend online. ZERO! I WAS LEFT…ALL ALONE!!! I couldn’t be bothered posting, commenting, reading, or answering awards posts giving me awards with a post accepting those awards.

MY BLOGGING BUBBLE HAD BUR-UR-UR-URST!!!!!

Until…this week! I had a bit of time to blog! And so did Kris, Loren, Beck, WOW Mad-D was back and just as lovely after a while away, and John didn’t stop again! IT FELT SO 2012! AND I LIKED IT!

Maybe I’m not as burst as I thought…

So what was the point of all that? I don’t know – go have a beer in the shower and think about it. Or go on Katie Curic and think about it. Or write a book about zombies and think about it. Or ship 1000 second-hand books in the post and think about it. Or wear a fake mustache and think about it. Or go to the toilet in the woods and think about it. Or run a marathon while thinking about it. Just think about it!!! And tell me what you think it means!!!

THANK YOU TO ALL MY BLOGGING FRIENDS FOR STILL EXISTING AND NOT STOPPING BEING WONDERFUL PEOPLE AND YOU ARE ALL TERRIFIC, EVEN KRIS! ALL YOU WHO ARE SLOWLY BECOMING MY NEW FRIENDS HALLELUJAH TO YOU, TOO!!! ONE DAY I WILL WRITE SOMETHING SOPPY ABOUT YOU! I PROMISE! IN THE WOODS WITH MY PANTS DOWN!

AMEN!

Sayings I hate to say or hear anyone else say. (Don’t say these sayings!)

Number 1:
“That was a cake walk.”
Sounds awesome, but in reality it is sticky and icky and if you don’t wash your feet it will make your feet smell so I suggest if you do it you wash your feet but don’t even do it.
I HATE THIS SAYING!

Number 2:
“The grass is always greener on the other side.”
Don’t people get it? Am I the only one? The grass is ALWAYS the SAME on the other side! This is such a stupid thing to say I don’t know why anyone would think different grasses are better or not than other grasses unless they are COWS or something. Grass looks the same and smells the same – everywhere!
I HATE THIS SAYING!

Number 3:
“Say it, sister!”
Look, she DID say it! Just then! She doesn’t need to say it again! PLUS she isn’t your sister!!!
I HATE THIS SAYING!

Number 4:
“Don’t count your chickens before they hatch!”
OKAY ALREADY, I WON’T. Now, BACK OFF!
I HATE THIS SAYING!

Number 5:
“One in the hand is worth two in the bush.”
I’m never in a bush so it doesn’t matter! I DON’T CARE!
I HATE THIS SAYING!

Number 6:
“A rolling stone gathers no moss.”
So? If you want moss, check out: trees, stones, rocks, trees again, dank basements, your brother, jungles, rainforests, and SO ON! FORGET STONES THAT ROLL! Go somewhere else for your STINKING moss!
I HATE THIS SAYING!

Number 7:
“Wassup, bro?”
NOTHING!!! NOW GO AWAY!!!!
I. HATE. YOU. ALL!!!!!

AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I was Boy George

First thing: I would change my name.
Second: I would write a sequel to Karma Chameleon called Shakra Tortoise…

Shaka-shaka-shaka-shaka Shakra too-oortoise…

Third: I would give birth to a daughter and name her Girl George just to confuse people. I would also label everything in my house in a similar way (Table George, Sink George, Cat George, Wife George, Gorge George.)

Fourth: I would move to Georgia.

Five: I would only talk to people if they called me first to ask permission. I don’t know why.

Lastly: Lots of lamingtons! I don’t know why.

Boy George

Table George

Buoy George

Kids say the monkiest things

Lovely children from across the globe keep sending me letters, which is very charming but gee whizz – I don’t have time to respond to all of them! I’m a very busy monk and a very lazy monkey.

To save time, I have answered the most popular questions I receive below. Now kids won’t have to ask me the same things over and over! OK?!

Why don’t you smoke?

Because it singes my lip and finger hairs.

Do you really exist or are you like God and Santa and the boogy man?

I am just like the others – I am real too!

What is your favourite colour?

Black – like the fires that burn in my soul.

Who would win in a fight if all the ninja turtles fight each other?

Um, swords! Duh Leonardo! (Also, work on your tenses.)

Who is better? Le Clown or Le Acrobat?

Depends on Le Circus.

I don’t like vegetables.

Can you rephrase that as a question?

I don’t like vegetables?

Close, but no cigar.

Can I visit you one day? I’d like to cuddle and kiss you and put on your clothes and cover you in butter. Butter is nice on toast.

You do that, and I’ll slit your face.

Whats better? Wrestling or boxing?

I don’t know, but my favourite sport is full-contact Scrabble. That is a real man’s sport!

Have you ever eaten fish? I have.

Gosh, what a boring question.

I love you Monk Monkey, do you love me?

Yes, I love you so much