I’m back, BITCHESSS!!!

A lovely lady is back online. Meet her, why don’t you?

Vyvacious

I have been planning this post since the day of my accident.  I know I posted about my first steps while I was still in the first hospital (read about it here if you need a refresher) but I’ve always been planning my comeback post.  I knew that it would mean that I finally felt like me again.  It has taken SOmany unfinished posts, scribbles on napkins, and the fast approaching 9 month accident anniversary for me to finally piece together this post.  NINE FREAKING MONTHS.  Other people pop humans out of their vaginas and all I got was this post.  I should make that into a t-shirt.  But really, that’s how obsessed with blogging I was.  Blog 3 times a week.  Work 40+ hours.  Cofounder and Vice President of my volunteer group.  Hang out with friends constantly. Bake at least three times a week for parties…

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Frustrarastration!

Have you ever been frustrarrassed?
Let me enlighten you as to what it means and how it happens…

Last weekend I attended my new niece’s baptism. She is the first baby girl in the family but it’s really weird because I never see her so it’s almost like she doesn’t really exist. The in-laws side of the family (we are the out-laws) took it very seriously and she wore a mini wedding dress, bracelet and probably undies that had been blessed by the monkey Pope. (Except she is too young to wear undies.) I tried my best and wore jeans and a long sleeved shirt even though it was a dusty, dry 38 degrees C.

Anyway, my two little boy monkeys ruined the whole day, crying and moaning and getting under everyone’s skin. They were rude, unsociable and just wanted to “go home.” So, to be annoying, they decided they needed to walk from the church to the picnic cake time in the park with my parents and wife. I drove the few blocks so the car would be right there when we finally did “go home.”

I parked the car at the park’s parking and (to be nice) grabbed the kid’s water, hats and a huge umbrella that was in the car, thinking they would have been very hot, and went off to find them and meet them halfway. The wind picked up. A hot wind. I was sweaty and looking like a moron holding a massive umbrella even though it wasn’t raining. But I wanted to do the right thing!

Long story short – I couldn’t find them, the umbrella blew inside out and I got lost in the heat along a highway while the cake party got into full swing. It turns out the family had taken some short cut and were already there. I lugged all the things and the big, inside-out umbrella back to the car and felt very embarrassed. The frustrated part of the frustrarrassed was still to come…

I was stressing that I was missing from the cakey get-together. I didn’t want to be there, but I wanted to be nice to my sister. So I said I’d go get the car and park it right at the picnic (I was at the other end of the park.) The boys were losing it and wouldn’t survive the walk later on. I was really sweaty now. Plus, it turns out this park was MASSIVE and all the roads were ONE-WAY and I couldn’t find the picnic spot ANYWHERE. I was this close to driving into the river. I was frustrated!

I finally got there but missed out on all the sandwiches. People were starting to leave. I carried one of the boys to the car as they moaned something about Ninja Turtles, and then my wife backed the car into a pole.

FRUSTRARATION!!!

Amen.

Sandwich time

Forgive me, but I just have to tell you that I just ate the best sandwich of my life.

It was so good I think I just reached Nirvana a bit.

Eat of this too and you too may reach Nirvana (a bit) too!

The Nirvanwich

Ingredients:
Big, round, flat Lebanese bread
Lots of BBQ chicken pieces
Mayo(nnaise)
Coleslaw
Tomato (sliced)

Method:
Put everything on the bread and roll it up.
Eat it and reach a bit of Nirvana.

Amen.

Your fortune: Told!

Hereby forthwith thou shall see yon fortunes toldeth by thine stars unto me…

TAURUS
Act like a bull today. A big bull. A hot bull. A bull so steamy hot, melted butter would melt right off your back and drip to the floor. Perhaps a lovely maiden will come and lick the butter off the floor?

AQUARIUS
Get out of the aquarium and jump into your life! Today is the day to do great and wondrous things! Eat ten pringles in one go, roll a tomato down an incline, incline your head at a tomato…the opportunities are endless and the world is your oyster!

SAGGITARIUS
Cats and dogs don’t worry about their weight so why do you? Stop worrying about your weight! Fat, thin, wh the heck cares? Cats and dogs certainly don’t! You’re a cat or a dog, right?

ARIES
Baa, baa, white sheep, what should Aries do? How the heck should I know – I still have the image of hot, melty butter sliding off a bull’s back in my head.

PISCESC
Another fish-themed constellation? Maybe you should go jump in the aquarium that the aquarians left after I told them to because what I say goes and everyone listens and obeys because my words are like gold and ALL HAIL MONK MONKEY!

THE ARCHER ONE
Practise. That’s your goal for today! Practise. Make sure that whenever you hit the bullseye you have wiped the melted butter from it first. Practise my love, practise, and maybe one day you will get a job on a new Robin Hood movie as an extra!

THE CRAB ONE
Today, stand under the buttery drips as they fall off the back of the bull in the first paragraph. Then, stand in a boiling vat of water for a few minutes and then let me eat you. (I promise not to make “nom-nom-nom” sounds.)

ALL THE OTHERS I FORGET
Go buy a lottery ticket – you never know.

Amen.

Are you addicted to Caffine?

On the other blog I offer up writings for I posted this self-help video for all of you who may be suffering from the addictions of the dreaded caffeine bean…

Dear America,

Land of the brave, the free. There is a new killer drug in your mist and it isn’t cocaine, heroin, advil or nickatine.

IT’S CAFFEIEN!!!

Yes, this killer addiction is stalking city streets and curbs as human after human carries around their paper cups filled to the BRIM with glorious Coffee which comes from CAFFEINE!

Do not taste of this vial LIQUID!

Millions are under its swoon and grasp. But don’t take it from me, take it from…

Ms Julia Desmond:

“I’m just not the same without my morning cup of coffee.”

Mr Howard G. Ruth:

“I once killed a man and a rabbit to get me some coffee.”

Jerry Capota:

“So fidgety right now!”

But DO NOT DESPARE! For I, the glorious Monk Monkey have begun a new series of videos in which I attempt to (and will) cure you all of addictions, misunderstandings, social indaequacies and…

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Sinister nursey rhymes!

Some of you may be aware that many nursery rhymes and fables came to life in response to a creepy, deadly, or otherwise terrible thing or act. Sometimes they were written by bards in the middle ages after missing a train or a witch-burning.
For example, did you know that the kiddie song ‘Five Little Ducks’ was written after the mass duck suicide of 1612?
The original final verse went…

Old mother duck went to the gap,
Stepped to the edge and flap, flap, flap,
Fell down to the rocks with a splat,
‘And that,’ said the coroner, ‘that is that.’

So be careful when you sing about things and stuff to children and stuff! You may be wrecking their minds. FOR GOOD!

Amen.

I eat spiders

Well actually, no I don’t
I said that so that you might read
This story about a pig
A hopeful pig, a strong-willed pig,
A pig who’s life’s an adventure
It’s quite a story but it needed
A snappy, catchy title.

So, one day Barry
(‘Twas piggy’s name)
Was walking slow he tarry
Once again along the way towards the butcher’s door
Come on you dolt said other pigs
Hurry up you loser
If you’re last you may not get
The bacon they said was here.

* No, dear reader, I wasn’t drunk when I wrote this but I was sleep-deprived. I wrote it early one morning in the dark and I only just found it again. Poem? Saga? Crazy? Brilliant? All of the above? I have no idea what is going on here. At all.

Amen.

Twinkies: A WARNING!

I only reblog the very best posts from other blogs. Like this one by me!

Twinkies? Mention the word and shudder! This evil of evils – fanciest delight of all the demons in Heaven – is the delicious, addictive, succulent, lengthy treat of all of the evil seven dwarves (Scratchy, Itchy, Sneezy, Poochie, Ginger, Gimli and Papa Dwarf), and Geraldo! Once you eat’em, you can’t leave ’em and they will have you under their spell, bringing you closer and closer to FAT and (later) to FAT INDUCED DEATH, known as OBESENESS and/or BIG-BONEDNEDEDNESS!!!

TWIIINKIIIIEEEESSSS!!!!!!! I AM WARNING YOU ALL! STEER CLEAR AND EAT NOT OF THIS SEXY BOUNTY!

Curses to Hostess, the maker of this, the sweetest of “foods.”

Curse be to he who invented it – General Henry Twinkie!

Curse be to he who gave birth to him and all his descendants!

And even curse be to she who typed his letters – Miss Prue Sharpe!*

Curse be to his horse who gave…

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What is a long awkward pause?

1) My life has just been one long awkward pause. I am forever waiting for the big event or announcement to come on down from the golden sunshine skies saying, “Congratulations, you’re not an idiot.” I am still waiting.

2) When I was a wee chimp (5 years old – that’s 4 years, 11 months old in monkey years) I was in a car accident. An old man was driving his car and not paying attention. He shot through a red light (red means “Stop”) and smashed into me, sitting on the left side back seat of our car. I woke on the side of the road, coughing up blood, my face cut open. The next few weeks were like a long awkward pause as my life settled down again and normalcy returned. Or did it?

3) A month or two later I got encephalytis (that may not be how you spell it but I’m too lazy to look these things up.) If you have never felt as sick as I did then, then you don’t know what it’s like to have all the monkey devil’s play things prick and prod at you with their molten bananas. Lucky you! It was terrible. I don’t want to talk about it. But I will talk about it a little bit. I was vomiting constantly (Martha Stewart may have been on in the background in the hospital). Once my body ran out of stomach contents to purge, it began vomiting bodily fluids. The important ones. Was that how I lost the hearing in my right ear? Or was it the car accident? Who knows but I am deaf in my right ear. The right one, not the left one. It’s deaf. Yell into it if you like. My childhood was filled with long awkward pauses as I missed conversations or comments or requests. People turned on me, thinking I was ignoring them or hated them. I became socially inadequate very quickly and hated talking to people. I still hate haircuts and now Mrs Monkey cuts my hair.*  My social life became and remains a long awkward pause as I wait for the phone to ring or the party invitations to come in the mail. They never come/came/comb. My parents got me hearing aids but I refused to wear them as they make everything you hear sound electronic and I was deathly afraid of being teased.

4) You know how when you say something funny but no one else thinks it’s funny and there is a long awkward pause? (Sometimes this pause is filled with a wolf howl in the distance – even in Antarctica.) Well I am now one of the handsome and regular (we eat prunes) contributors to the brand spanking new blog Long Awkward Pause!!! (www.longawkwardpause.wordpress.com) CHECK IT OUT!

5) I have long, awkward paws. That must be why bangles look so silly on me.

Amen.

* Note to hairdressers: If you talk to me about stupid things while filling the air with snip-snip noises or clipper whirrs, I WILL NOT HEAR YOU! Don’t hate me, just shaddup!

What if I was you and yous was me?

Okay, so what if I was you and you were me (through some magical transformation a la Freaky Friday) and I learned what it was like – not only to live your life but to have your body (oh baby), and you likewise mine (oooohhhh baby) – would you please remember to put dirty clothes in the laundry basket, not on the floor. There is NO way I am coming back to my body and house and have to clean up after you, ok? Gee!*

*The comments and opinions shared by Monk Monkey do not reflect the opinions or beliefs of Monk Monkey as he is being posessed by a rather anal and pretty annoying bullfrog. Monk Monkey’s soul is currently residing in the back end of a costume horse in a storage facility in Delaware.