1) My life has just been one long awkward pause. I am forever waiting for the big event or announcement to come on down from the golden sunshine skies saying, “Congratulations, you’re not an idiot.” I am still waiting.
2) When I was a wee chimp (5 years old – that’s 4 years, 11 months old in monkey years) I was in a car accident. An old man was driving his car and not paying attention. He shot through a red light (red means “Stop”) and smashed into me, sitting on the left side back seat of our car. I woke on the side of the road, coughing up blood, my face cut open. The next few weeks were like a long awkward pause as my life settled down again and normalcy returned. Or did it?
3) A month or two later I got encephalytis (that may not be how you spell it but I’m too lazy to look these things up.) If you have never felt as sick as I did then, then you don’t know what it’s like to have all the monkey devil’s play things prick and prod at you with their molten bananas. Lucky you! It was terrible. I don’t want to talk about it. But I will talk about it a little bit. I was vomiting constantly (Martha Stewart may have been on in the background in the hospital). Once my body ran out of stomach contents to purge, it began vomiting bodily fluids. The important ones. Was that how I lost the hearing in my right ear? Or was it the car accident? Who knows but I am deaf in my right ear. The right one, not the left one. It’s deaf. Yell into it if you like. My childhood was filled with long awkward pauses as I missed conversations or comments or requests. People turned on me, thinking I was ignoring them or hated them. I became socially inadequate very quickly and hated talking to people. I still hate haircuts and now Mrs Monkey cuts my hair.* My social life became and remains a long awkward pause as I wait for the phone to ring or the party invitations to come in the mail. They never come/came/comb. My parents got me hearing aids but I refused to wear them as they make everything you hear sound electronic and I was deathly afraid of being teased.
4) You know how when you say something funny but no one else thinks it’s funny and there is a long awkward pause? (Sometimes this pause is filled with a wolf howl in the distance – even in Antarctica.) Well I am now one of the handsome and regular (we eat prunes) contributors to the brand spanking new blog Long Awkward Pause!!! (www.longawkwardpause.wordpress.com) CHECK IT OUT!
5) I have long, awkward paws. That must be why bangles look so silly on me.
* Note to hairdressers: If you talk to me about stupid things while filling the air with snip-snip noises or clipper whirrs, I WILL NOT HEAR YOU! Don’t hate me, just shaddup!