Your fortune: Told!


Hereby forthwith thou shall see yon fortunes toldeth by thine stars unto me…

Act like a bull today. A big bull. A hot bull. A bull so steamy hot, melted butter would melt right off your back and drip to the floor. Perhaps a lovely maiden will come and lick the butter off the floor?

Get out of the aquarium and jump into your life! Today is the day to do great and wondrous things! Eat ten pringles in one go, roll a tomato down an incline, incline your head at a tomato…the opportunities are endless and the world is your oyster!

Cats and dogs don’t worry about their weight so why do you? Stop worrying about your weight! Fat, thin, wh the heck cares? Cats and dogs certainly don’t! You’re a cat or a dog, right?

Baa, baa, white sheep, what should Aries do? How the heck should I know – I still have the image of hot, melty butter sliding off a bull’s back in my head.

Another fish-themed constellation? Maybe you should go jump in the aquarium that the aquarians left after I told them to because what I say goes and everyone listens and obeys because my words are like gold and ALL HAIL MONK MONKEY!

Practise. That’s your goal for today! Practise. Make sure that whenever you hit the bullseye you have wiped the melted butter from it first. Practise my love, practise, and maybe one day you will get a job on a new Robin Hood movie as an extra!

Today, stand under the buttery drips as they fall off the back of the bull in the first paragraph. Then, stand in a boiling vat of water for a few minutes and then let me eat you. (I promise not to make “nom-nom-nom” sounds.)

Go buy a lottery ticket – you never know.



Sinister nursey rhymes!

Some of you may be aware that many nursery rhymes and fables came to life in response to a creepy, deadly, or otherwise terrible thing or act. Sometimes they were written by bards in the middle ages after missing a train or a witch-burning.
For example, did you know that the kiddie song ‘Five Little Ducks’ was written after the mass duck suicide of 1612?
The original final verse went…

Old mother duck went to the gap,
Stepped to the edge and flap, flap, flap,
Fell down to the rocks with a splat,
‘And that,’ said the coroner, ‘that is that.’

So be careful when you sing about things and stuff to children and stuff! You may be wrecking their minds. FOR GOOD!



Sayings I hate to say or hear anyone else say. (Don’t say these sayings!)

Number 1:
“That was a cake walk.”
Sounds awesome, but in reality it is sticky and icky and if you don’t wash your feet it will make your feet smell so I suggest if you do it you wash your feet but don’t even do it.

Number 2:
“The grass is always greener on the other side.”
Don’t people get it? Am I the only one? The grass is ALWAYS the SAME on the other side! This is such a stupid thing to say I don’t know why anyone would think different grasses are better or not than other grasses unless they are COWS or something. Grass looks the same and smells the same – everywhere!

Number 3:
“Say it, sister!”
Look, she DID say it! Just then! She doesn’t need to say it again! PLUS she isn’t your sister!!!

Number 4:
“Don’t count your chickens before they hatch!”

Number 5:
“One in the hand is worth two in the bush.”
I’m never in a bush so it doesn’t matter! I DON’T CARE!

Number 6:
“A rolling stone gathers no moss.”
So? If you want moss, check out: trees, stones, rocks, trees again, dank basements, your brother, jungles, rainforests, and SO ON! FORGET STONES THAT ROLL! Go somewhere else for your STINKING moss!

Number 7:
“Wassup, bro?”
I. HATE. YOU. ALL!!!!!


Kids say the monkiest things

Lovely children from across the globe keep sending me letters, which is very charming but gee whizz – I don’t have time to respond to all of them! I’m a very busy monk and a very lazy monkey.

To save time, I have answered the most popular questions I receive below. Now kids won’t have to ask me the same things over and over! OK?!

Why don’t you smoke?

Because it singes my lip and finger hairs.

Do you really exist or are you like God and Santa and the boogy man?

I am just like the others – I am real too!

What is your favourite colour?

Black – like the fires that burn in my soul.

Who would win in a fight if all the ninja turtles fight each other?

Um, swords! Duh Leonardo! (Also, work on your tenses.)

Who is better? Le Clown or Le Acrobat?

Depends on Le Circus.

I don’t like vegetables.

Can you rephrase that as a question?

I don’t like vegetables?

Close, but no cigar.

Can I visit you one day? I’d like to cuddle and kiss you and put on your clothes and cover you in butter. Butter is nice on toast.

You do that, and I’ll slit your face.

Whats better? Wrestling or boxing?

I don’t know, but my favourite sport is full-contact Scrabble. That is a real man’s sport!

Have you ever eaten fish? I have.

Gosh, what a boring question.

I love you Monk Monkey, do you love me?

Yes, I love you so much 🙂


The evil earth

I feel (in my bosom) a real need (that’s need, not knead – I’m not feeling a kneading feeling in my bosom, it’s not a heart attack don’t worry) to inform (not outform) you (you) that little did you know (I assume) but the Earth (this planet in case you didn’t know) is pure evil.

Why is this so? Well, besides the fact that Earth (this planet) murdered Beethoven and gave Ghandi a distinctly bald head (both of these things are unfair and unwarranted), but also because it gave birth (in its bosom) to all the evil things that ever (and never) existed! On top of this, if the Earth kept rotating around and around, faster and faster, we would all fly off into space and never (ever) return (enter if you are not using a Mac).

So beware yon earthling! Cringe and beware! Your mother planet is trying to kill you! And your grandmothers!!!

What is a pen?

Let Monk Monkey guide you towards enlightenment and undarkenment and away from the embankment (it’s dangerous, you might fall off and knock your shin on a rock or something)…


Ceci n’est pas un stylo

Is a pen a writing implement, or is it a place to hold wild beasts? Could it be both? Could you draw a pen with a pen, thereby combining the two pens? Or even better, could you build a pen out of pens? (You may need sticky tape or glue or rubber bands to hold it together.)

I am here before you today to promote this idea. No, I don’t want you to build a pen out of pens, or draw a pen out of pens – either kind of pen – nor do I ask of thee to draw a pen made out of pens with your pen. No. What I wish for you to grab hold of today is your ability to flip and twist ideas, even combining two ideas into one, like the pen and the pen idea I was just telling you about.

Here is another one… Is a plant something you do or something that grows, or is it both? I mean, of course it’s both, but like, could a plant plant itself? Oooh! Now I’ve head-spinned you!


Ceci n’est pas une plante

Here is another other one… Is a die something you do at the end of your life, or is it a single dice? OR is it both? Could a die die. ie: can a die be dead? On top of this, can the dead roll a die? Or are they so dead their dies are dead, too?

zombie dice

Ceci n’est pas une morte jeux pour les morts

Here is one last one to prove my point… Is a point a pricky bit at the end of a stick, or is it something you do with a finger? I am quite sure you can point a point, point with a point, point at a point and all the other things you can do, too.


Qu’est ce que vous voyez les oirreiles pointy ‘pon l’homme’s tete? C’est jolie, ca! C’est tres bonhomeur! Cest formidable! Mais…Ceci n’est pas les oreilles pointy.

Now, if your head is not yet melty, let me get you to this new state of being with me right here and now with the following statement:

The pen pen planted a plant before the die could die and it pointed with a point of making its point by pointing its finger at the pointed plant in the pen…but it had died!

Amen, all hail the great Monk Monkey who has opened our minds and souls to a better place of living and thinking and made us want to build a pen out of pens for penning up pens in. Oh! He just did it again!

Monk Monkey soup for the soul

Many, many, many, (many) people (and non-humans too, like monkeys, apes, crabs, Jeremy) have asked me to list some of my pearls of wisdom. I am often getting quoted in and around the monkestry as I am so smart and my thoughts seem to travel to the depths of people’s (and crab’s) souls. So, here you go!
Feel free to quote these tidbits of hope as you keep your mind/life/heart on its journey towards completeness. If you are publishing those mini-books you see at the checkout full of Confucius, Einstein, Meg Ryan, and Forrest Gump quotes, feel free to add mine (and pay me royalties, of course!)

When you feel hopeless:

Each day has the potential to be a day.

When you desire a soul mate:

Love is just a chemical reaction in your brain – get over it.

When you feel you have lost direction:

Readeth a map.

When your passion is gone:

Light the fires of your heart, but don’t use real fire as that will hurt and kill you and then your passion really WILL be gone.

When you struggle putting one foot in front of the other:

Rollerskates may get thee there quicker, especially if thy maid hath coated the floor in oil slick.

When the Lord closes a door:

Open the door.

When the world is closing in on you:

Open the door all the way and put a doorstop under it so it doesn’t slam shut in the wind and give you a bit of a shock.

When you feel friendless:

Spend time with yourself, look after yourself, care for yourself, love yourself, and then you won’t NEED any friends.

When you have no one to talk to:

Sending emails to strangers may provide the brightest of sparks within the heart – if you stick a knife in the power point as you do it.