I’m back, BITCHESSS!!!

A lovely lady is back online. Meet her, why don’t you?

Vyvacious

I have been planning this post since the day of my accident.  I know I posted about my first steps while I was still in the first hospital (read about it here if you need a refresher) but I’ve always been planning my comeback post.  I knew that it would mean that I finally felt like me again.  It has taken SOmany unfinished posts, scribbles on napkins, and the fast approaching 9 month accident anniversary for me to finally piece together this post.  NINE FREAKING MONTHS.  Other people pop humans out of their vaginas and all I got was this post.  I should make that into a t-shirt.  But really, that’s how obsessed with blogging I was.  Blog 3 times a week.  Work 40+ hours.  Cofounder and Vice President of my volunteer group.  Hang out with friends constantly. Bake at least three times a week for parties…

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Are you addicted to Caffine?

On the other blog I offer up writings for I posted this self-help video for all of you who may be suffering from the addictions of the dreaded caffeine bean…

Dear America,

Land of the brave, the free. There is a new killer drug in your mist and it isn’t cocaine, heroin, advil or nickatine.

IT’S CAFFEIEN!!!

Yes, this killer addiction is stalking city streets and curbs as human after human carries around their paper cups filled to the BRIM with glorious Coffee which comes from CAFFEINE!

Do not taste of this vial LIQUID!

Millions are under its swoon and grasp. But don’t take it from me, take it from…

Ms Julia Desmond:

“I’m just not the same without my morning cup of coffee.”

Mr Howard G. Ruth:

“I once killed a man and a rabbit to get me some coffee.”

Jerry Capota:

“So fidgety right now!”

But DO NOT DESPARE! For I, the glorious Monk Monkey have begun a new series of videos in which I attempt to (and will) cure you all of addictions, misunderstandings, social indaequacies and…

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Twinkies: A WARNING!

I only reblog the very best posts from other blogs. Like this one by me!

Twinkies? Mention the word and shudder! This evil of evils – fanciest delight of all the demons in Heaven – is the delicious, addictive, succulent, lengthy treat of all of the evil seven dwarves (Scratchy, Itchy, Sneezy, Poochie, Ginger, Gimli and Papa Dwarf), and Geraldo! Once you eat’em, you can’t leave ’em and they will have you under their spell, bringing you closer and closer to FAT and (later) to FAT INDUCED DEATH, known as OBESENESS and/or BIG-BONEDNEDEDNESS!!!

TWIIINKIIIIEEEESSSS!!!!!!! I AM WARNING YOU ALL! STEER CLEAR AND EAT NOT OF THIS SEXY BOUNTY!

Curses to Hostess, the maker of this, the sweetest of “foods.”

Curse be to he who invented it – General Henry Twinkie!

Curse be to he who gave birth to him and all his descendants!

And even curse be to she who typed his letters – Miss Prue Sharpe!*

Curse be to his horse who gave…

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Long Awkward Pause – A New Adventure In Blogging

Get on board now because you might forget your ticket at home later and then you will miss out. OK?!

Christopher De Voss

In lieu of reblog Thursday, I have some exciting news.

I’m announcing the birth of a new, exciting, epic, original, ingenious, bold, spicy, operatic, collaborative masterpiece:

Long Awkward Pause!

What is Long Awkward Pause you may ask…and even if you didn’t ask, you may ask after you recover from your excitement over this announcement.

(I will wait until you pick yourself up off the floor, dust your pants off, and compose yourself thus-ly.)

Long Awkward Pause is a humor magazine collaboration between myself, Blurt, B.L.O.G., Monk Monkey, and Ramblings Of An Apathetic Adult Baby. We will take reader submitted topics  and write about them either once or twice a month depending on schedule, earth rotation, Chick-fil-a openings, births, deaths, oil changes, and other such hazards of the blog world.

I’m really excited to work with these guys, and I hope you’ll be just as excited to…

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If I was Boy George

First thing: I would change my name.
Second: I would write a sequel to Karma Chameleon called Shakra Tortoise…

Shaka-shaka-shaka-shaka Shakra too-oortoise…

Third: I would give birth to a daughter and name her Girl George just to confuse people. I would also label everything in my house in a similar way (Table George, Sink George, Cat George, Wife George, Gorge George.)

Fourth: I would move to Georgia.

Five: I would only talk to people if they called me first to ask permission. I don’t know why.

Lastly: Lots of lamingtons! I don’t know why.

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Boy George

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Table George

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Buoy George

I have been a bit too busy to blog this week, so I give you someone else’s post. I am a lazy monkey! I want nut butter! Bacon!

365 Days of Bacon

Sometimes, I wish I had four stomachs like a cow so I could regurgitate my food. You know — so I could enjoy it again. Like bacon cud!

Because the Bacon Nut Butter Burger was definitely one of those experiences worth regurgitating.

Out of pure respect for this masterful meat mound, I at least should have had a heart attack. At the very minimum, I should have fainted from pure awe and sensory overload.

But noooooo.

My stomach wasn’t even cool enough to regurgitate-and-repeat. Lame.

BACON NUT BUTTER BURGERS

INGREDIENTS:

  • Bacon, cooked
  • 1 lb hamburger
  • 1 egg
  • nut butter (I used almond)
  • bacon grease (optional)

INSTRUCTIONS:

  1. Fry bacon, drain bacon, reserve enough grease to coat the pan. Set bacon on a plate, uncovered, in fridge or freezer to get it extra crispy.
  2. Put raw hamburger in a bowl. Crack an egg into bowl and mix with hamburger. Form into patties.

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