The story of the horseshoe crumpet

Yesterday was a slow day at the monkestry. I decided to look in on Des as he cleaned the toiley, just after 10am. As I approached the toiley, Des’s voice came echoing out into the hall…

It’s a hard-knock life for us, it’s a hard-knock life for us.

I looked in, and with each push of his Steam X2O mop, Des was repeating the line from the famous song. It looked truly depressing and I told him to…


Des looked straight at me, before handing me a crumpled up paper. I was disappointed to discover it wasn’t his letter of resignation, but a story.

Why are you giving me this?

I asked. Des put his head down, continued to mop, and said…

I want to be a writer. What do you think?

I protested. My books were only popular in monkey catholic circles – I had no idea how to judge popular fiction. As a tear dropped from his eye and a tear appeared in his overalls, I looked down and read…

The story of the horseshoe crumpet

Stop right there,

I said,

Drop the ‘the story of’ bit – it sounds unprofessional.

Des ignored me and went back to his song so I continued.

The story of the horseshoe crumpet

One day I went to eat me crumpet after eating me lunch after cleaning the toiley after eating me breakfast after waking up after going to bed after eating me dinner… I skipped two pages …And lo! What should me eyes see, but a crumpet on me plate that looked like me auntie’s horseshoe! I looked at it with astonished bewilderment. Then I realised it looked like a horseshoe because I had forgotten that I had already taken a big, big bite out of it just before. I took the big, big bite out of it just after I sat down to eat it but before I realised I was about to eat it. In that little bit. The crumpet was a bit sticky because the butter and honey I spread on top soaked down through the crumpet and made me hands sticky. The end of the story of the horseshoe crumpet.

Des looked up with his eyes at my eyes and asked what I thought with his eyes. I said…

If you could clean the toiley as well as you wrote that story I would need to replace you.

As I left the toiley, I walked towards Doris who was singing tunes from ‘Pete’s Dragon’ which everyone knows is a much better musical than ‘Annie.