Sinister nursey rhymes!

Some of you may be aware that many nursery rhymes and fables came to life in response to a creepy, deadly, or otherwise terrible thing or act. Sometimes they were written by bards in the middle ages after missing a train or a witch-burning.
For example, did you know that the kiddie song ‘Five Little Ducks’ was written after the mass duck suicide of 1612?
The original final verse went…

Old mother duck went to the gap,
Stepped to the edge and flap, flap, flap,
Fell down to the rocks with a splat,
‘And that,’ said the coroner, ‘that is that.’

So be careful when you sing about things and stuff to children and stuff! You may be wrecking their minds. FOR GOOD!




Kids say the monkiest things

Lovely children from across the globe keep sending me letters, which is very charming but gee whizz – I don’t have time to respond to all of them! I’m a very busy monk and a very lazy monkey.

To save time, I have answered the most popular questions I receive below. Now kids won’t have to ask me the same things over and over! OK?!

Why don’t you smoke?

Because it singes my lip and finger hairs.

Do you really exist or are you like God and Santa and the boogy man?

I am just like the others – I am real too!

What is your favourite colour?

Black – like the fires that burn in my soul.

Who would win in a fight if all the ninja turtles fight each other?

Um, swords! Duh Leonardo! (Also, work on your tenses.)

Who is better? Le Clown or Le Acrobat?

Depends on Le Circus.

I don’t like vegetables.

Can you rephrase that as a question?

I don’t like vegetables?

Close, but no cigar.

Can I visit you one day? I’d like to cuddle and kiss you and put on your clothes and cover you in butter. Butter is nice on toast.

You do that, and I’ll slit your face.

Whats better? Wrestling or boxing?

I don’t know, but my favourite sport is full-contact Scrabble. That is a real man’s sport!

Have you ever eaten fish? I have.

Gosh, what a boring question.

I love you Monk Monkey, do you love me?

Yes, I love you so much 🙂