Your fortune: Told!

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Hereby forthwith thou shall see yon fortunes toldeth by thine stars unto me…

TAURUS
Act like a bull today. A big bull. A hot bull. A bull so steamy hot, melted butter would melt right off your back and drip to the floor. Perhaps a lovely maiden will come and lick the butter off the floor?

AQUARIUS
Get out of the aquarium and jump into your life! Today is the day to do great and wondrous things! Eat ten pringles in one go, roll a tomato down an incline, incline your head at a tomato…the opportunities are endless and the world is your oyster!

SAGGITARIUS
Cats and dogs don’t worry about their weight so why do you? Stop worrying about your weight! Fat, thin, wh the heck cares? Cats and dogs certainly don’t! You’re a cat or a dog, right?

ARIES
Baa, baa, white sheep, what should Aries do? How the heck should I know – I still have the image of hot, melty butter sliding off a bull’s back in my head.

PISCESC
Another fish-themed constellation? Maybe you should go jump in the aquarium that the aquarians left after I told them to because what I say goes and everyone listens and obeys because my words are like gold and ALL HAIL MONK MONKEY!

THE ARCHER ONE
Practise. That’s your goal for today! Practise. Make sure that whenever you hit the bullseye you have wiped the melted butter from it first. Practise my love, practise, and maybe one day you will get a job on a new Robin Hood movie as an extra!

THE CRAB ONE
Today, stand under the buttery drips as they fall off the back of the bull in the first paragraph. Then, stand in a boiling vat of water for a few minutes and then let me eat you. (I promise not to make “nom-nom-nom” sounds.)

ALL THE OTHERS I FORGET
Go buy a lottery ticket – you never know.

Amen.

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