Presto changeo day

The monkestry reeeeallly needed a shake up this week. This is what I did – I put everyone’s name in a hat and threw it off a bridge. Then I listed everyone’s duties in a column on a whiteboard with their names alongside that in another column. Next, I drew lines connecting each person to a different occupation.
For 24 hours, everyone had a new duty to perform. Did it force people to change, react, adapt and so on? Find out for yourself… (I’m too lazy to tell you.)

Clean the toiley
Daphne (formerly done by Des)
Daphne did an amazing job. The toiley was cleaned with a variety of fragrant detergents regularly through the day. In fact, every time I had finished with it, Daphne was immediately in after me, scrubbing away inside the bowl. To use the toiley, one had to move the decorative ribbons to one side, but I didn’t mind. She even put the spare toilet roll under this crochet ballerina thing which, quite frankly, I approved of.

Des (formerly Doris)
This endeavour was less successful. I mean, Des means well and it started OK, but my office was regularly swamped with people wanting a hand out. In the middle of Vespers I even had to stop my prayers when the noise of an old swagman snoring in a pew became too much. As annoying and hated as Doris’s strict entrance policy is, it was shown to be much better than this lax option. I’m still missing my stapler.

Doris (formerly Daphne)
This week’s disco sucked. Doris had not done any preparation, and when it was time to get our groove on, she just stood on stage, claimed she didn’t know how to use the sound system (I have shown her numerous times), and walked off. We were left hanging. My shiny purple pants that I wear under my robe each week were totally wasted.

Sit in the corner and mope
Jeremy (formerly Jeremy)
I have to explain why Jeremy didn’t get to swap jobs. He didn’t come to the staff meeting, for one thing. For another, he didn’t pay me any attention whatsoever after I called his name repeatedly and tapped him on the shoulder. He smelled a bit. If he has decided just to let himself go, then fine – I don’t need to interact with him. Wake up to yourself, Jeremy, wake up.

Amen, brother.


Talent night

Last night was Talent Night at the monkestry. We hadn’t held one before, but team morale hit an all-time low last Friday when Des accused Doris of taking one of his cleaning sponges home to do ‘who knows what’ and not returning it. Doris stepped on his foot ‘accidentally’ in the kitchen later during morning tea, and well – I just thought it was time to try and boost morale around the place.

Everyone was required to perform and we all sat in the bingo hall to watch the performances. My friend Thomas skyped in, too! The theme for the night was Dolphins (chosen by me in order to keep everyone’s creativity on track.) So, without further ado,in order of appearance, here is a rundown of our first ever TALENT NIGHT!


A poem written and recited by Jeremy

Fury of fin,
And fun,
Won’t you ever come my way?
And frolic in the sun?

Don’t sin,
Or kill,
But even if you do,
I will love you still.

(One person clapped)

Daphne then did a dolphin mime act. I didn’t take photos but it was really quite surreal. It went on for 22 minutes.

(No one clapped)

Des then read out a prose piece he said he had actually been working on for a long time and the fact that Dolphins was chosen as the theme of the night was really quite serendipitippitus for him.

Dolphins, Majestic They

Dolphins. These majestic creatures live in the ocean and balance rubber balls on their snouts. Dolphins. Do you love their streamlined majesticness? Dolphins. How many times have you dreamed to swim alongside them and be filled with their love and an awe of all living things, only to wake up and find you have wet the bed? Dolphins. Attackers in the night, they pull out weapons from underneath their flippers and try to skewer you with them as they have poisoned barbs at the end of their weapons. Dolphins. Slender, moist and fun-loving. Dolphins are truly the flowers of the sea and I love them. Thank you dolphins!

(No one clapped)

Daphne’s turn was then up but she refused to take part. To avoid a scene (once I reminded her that this was supposed to be mandatory) I got on stage to perform my own glorious act: Powerpoint slideshow of dolphins with mustaches on them! It was so hilarious (Everyone clapped) and they all asked to watch it again.

Here is a taste…

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Maybe next time morale is low in your workplace you should try a TALENT NIGHT!

I am so awesome and epic and a monkey

There’s this guy called David. No, not that David, the other David. Wait maybe it’s not that David, either. Look! There are literally millions of people in the world called David so maybe you do know him, but you probably don’t. This David lives in Korea. Know him? See! Didn’t think so! Although, if you do know him GOODY FOR YOU!

Look, you’re distracting me from my point. Just hours ago, David (the one I’m thinking of who you may never have met) nominated me for the Epically Awesome Award of Epic Awesomeness.

You red that write! I am really that good! Not many people (and even fewer simians) get to be called epically awesome! Was I surprised? Not really. Was I flattered? Yes!



To accept the award (which I do – even though I haven’t received the trophy and cash money prize yet) I have to list ten things about myself then nominate ten other blogs for the award. I’ll do the first part now, the second part I will do later in the week as I announce my 2013 blogroll (the list is the same). Cool? Cool. COOL!

Ten things about me:
1) I am a monk.
2) I am a monkey.
3) I live at the monkestry.
4) The others who work there are named Des, Daphne, Doris and (reluctantly) Jeremy.
5) I am an ex-Scrabble champion.
6) I have never completed a Rubik’s cube.
7) My robe only gets washed once a week.
8) Once I got a bit silly and ordered a banana shaped bath. It’s stunning, but I never have a bath so the banana bath just sits there.
9) The number 9 is my least favourite number.
10) My eyes sparkle in the sun.

And now, wet cats:

In which we have a visit from Jen (& Tonic)

So there we were, Daphne, Doris, Des, Jeremy and I – minding our own business in the monkestry, and setting up for bingo night, when who should knock on our door but Jen and her little friend Tonic.
Doris opened the door for her and Jen proceeded to do one of those kissy faces that mean ‘I am going to pretend to like you now. I will do this by kissing you – please kiss me back.’

Doris did not pucker up. In fact she grimmaced. Imagine my surprise, then, when Jen miraculously transformed into a clown to ‘try and cheer the old girl up!’
Quickly, I ushered Jen and Tonic into the kitchen. I had seen Doris blow her top before. (There is an unwritten rule at the monkestry – don’t call Doris ‘old’ or she will smack you in the face.)
After we had all had some milk arrowroot biscuits and a cup of tea, I took her to see Jeremy. He was sitting in his corner, writing poetry. He was sad and angsty. Gosh, I hate it when he is angsty. I turned, and lo! Jen had transformed again! This time into a cute, fluffy bunny!

Jeremy immediately started patting her ears and stroking her whiskers. He called her ‘Bun-bun’ and I vomited a bit in my mouth.
I grabbed Jen and yelled at her in Monkese so Jeremy wouldn’t understand. ‘How in the world do you do all these presto-changeo transformations?’ I shouted. ‘You are confusing me and putting my plain robes to shame! Eek-eek!’ I think Jen felt threatened by my outburst, because then, before my eyes, this happened:

‘Arr!’ she said, ‘Beware me cutlass or thy shall be made mincemeat!’
This was dangerous! ‘How can I put her off?’ I wondered. ‘How can I make her lose her concentration?’ And then I had the answer!
‘Ahem,’ I garrumphed, ‘you’ve gained a bit of weight, haven’t you?’
I thought I had her. No lady likes to be told that! But I was wrong. In an instant, she LOST 90% OF HER BODY WEIGHT!
Stick figure
‘That’s it!’ I shouted. ‘No more crazy costume changes, no more dismantling of the fragile social structures here at the monkestry, take your little friend Tonic, and BEGONE!’
She tried to distract me by doing this…
But I averted my eyes and held out my monkifix that hangs around my neck. Jen turned back to normal. ‘Fine,’ she sighed, ‘but can I at least use the toiley?’
I refused. ‘Des is cleaning it right now and he don’t wanna see you’
Tonic, who had until now been quiet and shy, walked out from behind Jen’s legs and kicked me in the shin with his pointy rock ‘n’ roll shoes.
As I hopped about, groaning in agony, Jen walked to the door, jumped into her exiting cannon, put on her pizzaball costume, and blasted off into the who-knows-where. (Tonic took a taxi.)
Pizzaball cannon

I have been feeling a tad guilty about how I treated our visitors. I’ve been thinking about it, and I think that Jen thinks that what others think about how and what she thinks will affect their thinks about her. Think – how many times did she change her appearence here today? She seems to be someone ill at ease with her appearance. Poor little Jen. I feel sorry for her. She really IS like a fragile bunny, needing the wisdom of a monk who is also a banana-loving monkey. And so, I have recorded the following special message, just for her special little face…

Teambuilding with Monk Monkey

Yesterday was teambuilding at the monkestry. Des, Daphne, Doris, Jeremy and I all took a day off the door, kitchen, dance floor and toiley to grow closer together.
Below I have outlined some of the teambuilding activities I ran. Perhaps you would like to try these at your workplace.

Exercise 1: Spin the banana
Sit your team in a circle. In the centre, place a banana. Spin the banana. Whoever the banana points to sits quietly while everyone else tells them what they hate about them. This is a good way for everyone to get out what they hate about each other.

Exercise 2: Kiss the banana
Using the same banana, each team member takes turn kissing it. Everyone else watches. You can learn a lot about another person from how they kiss things.

Exercise 3: Pin the pin in the donkey
Next, bring in a real donkey. Then give everyone a pin. Discuss as a group what might happen if we stuck our pins in the donkey – how would it react, what might it do to us, how might we retrieve the pins, etc. Then do it.

Exercise 4: Voodoo dolls
Have small dolls made up in the likeness of your team members. Pass them around and ask your team to do to the dolls what they wish they could do to the people in real life. Collect the dolls and discuss as a group the placement and severity of the injuries.

Exercise 5: Watch ‘Home Alone 2’
A team that laughs together, works together!

The story of the horseshoe crumpet

Yesterday was a slow day at the monkestry. I decided to look in on Des as he cleaned the toiley, just after 10am. As I approached the toiley, Des’s voice came echoing out into the hall…

It’s a hard-knock life for us, it’s a hard-knock life for us.

I looked in, and with each push of his Steam X2O mop, Des was repeating the line from the famous song. It looked truly depressing and I told him to…


Des looked straight at me, before handing me a crumpled up paper. I was disappointed to discover it wasn’t his letter of resignation, but a story.

Why are you giving me this?

I asked. Des put his head down, continued to mop, and said…

I want to be a writer. What do you think?

I protested. My books were only popular in monkey catholic circles – I had no idea how to judge popular fiction. As a tear dropped from his eye and a tear appeared in his overalls, I looked down and read…

The story of the horseshoe crumpet

Stop right there,

I said,

Drop the ‘the story of’ bit – it sounds unprofessional.

Des ignored me and went back to his song so I continued.

The story of the horseshoe crumpet

One day I went to eat me crumpet after eating me lunch after cleaning the toiley after eating me breakfast after waking up after going to bed after eating me dinner… I skipped two pages …And lo! What should me eyes see, but a crumpet on me plate that looked like me auntie’s horseshoe! I looked at it with astonished bewilderment. Then I realised it looked like a horseshoe because I had forgotten that I had already taken a big, big bite out of it just before. I took the big, big bite out of it just after I sat down to eat it but before I realised I was about to eat it. In that little bit. The crumpet was a bit sticky because the butter and honey I spread on top soaked down through the crumpet and made me hands sticky. The end of the story of the horseshoe crumpet.

Des looked up with his eyes at my eyes and asked what I thought with his eyes. I said…

If you could clean the toiley as well as you wrote that story I would need to replace you.

As I left the toiley, I walked towards Doris who was singing tunes from ‘Pete’s Dragon’ which everyone knows is a much better musical than ‘Annie.



Introducing the troop

So, seeing as we’re (we are) all new here (he are), I thought I should spend some time introducing everyone (you guys over there) to everyone (us guys over he’re).

President and resident monk: Monk Monkey
I need no introduction but if you want to read my introduction, visit the About Monk Monkey page. There you can read my introduction that introduces me.

Door lady: Doris
She’s the one you saw sitting at that little table near the door when you came in. She is really important if you need to know the way to the toiley (toilet).

MC and DJ: Daphne X
Daphne X has been DJing for almost two weeks and she is getting better and better. You should see the crowd go off whenever the God Save the Queen medly comes on! Also does a great job hosting bingo on Tuesdays and announcing raffle winners.
Cleaner: Desmond
Just stay out of his way and you’ll (you will) be fine. He is good at what he does. He smells a bit and needs to be given a wide berth but we love him. Please also remember to ‘hold it’ each day between 10 and 11 while Des cleans the toiley.
Tea and biscuits: Carol
Iced Vovos taste delicious, but especially when you see them presented on a plate like Carol can! Oh, and her scones are to die for! We would all be a lot more depressed (and thinner – ha ha!) if the lovely Carol ever left us!
Miscellaneous: Jeremy
Were (we’re) not really sure who he is or what he does here, but Jeremy never leaves and he seems nice enough so we’ve (weave) decided to keep him.

So there you have it! Feel free to drop by sometime and see the gang! We’d (wee’d) love to meet you!