Presto changeo day

The monkestry reeeeallly needed a shake up this week. This is what I did – I put everyone’s name in a hat and threw it off a bridge. Then I listed everyone’s duties in a column on a whiteboard with their names alongside that in another column. Next, I drew lines connecting each person to a different occupation.
For 24 hours, everyone had a new duty to perform. Did it force people to change, react, adapt and so on? Find out for yourself… (I’m too lazy to tell you.)

Clean the toiley
Daphne (formerly done by Des)
Daphne did an amazing job. The toiley was cleaned with a variety of fragrant detergents regularly through the day. In fact, every time I had finished with it, Daphne was immediately in after me, scrubbing away inside the bowl. To use the toiley, one had to move the decorative ribbons to one side, but I didn’t mind. She even put the spare toilet roll under this crochet ballerina thing which, quite frankly, I approved of.

Des (formerly Doris)
This endeavour was less successful. I mean, Des means well and it started OK, but my office was regularly swamped with people wanting a hand out. In the middle of Vespers I even had to stop my prayers when the noise of an old swagman snoring in a pew became too much. As annoying and hated as Doris’s strict entrance policy is, it was shown to be much better than this lax option. I’m still missing my stapler.

Doris (formerly Daphne)
This week’s disco sucked. Doris had not done any preparation, and when it was time to get our groove on, she just stood on stage, claimed she didn’t know how to use the sound system (I have shown her numerous times), and walked off. We were left hanging. My shiny purple pants that I wear under my robe each week were totally wasted.

Sit in the corner and mope
Jeremy (formerly Jeremy)
I have to explain why Jeremy didn’t get to swap jobs. He didn’t come to the staff meeting, for one thing. For another, he didn’t pay me any attention whatsoever after I called his name repeatedly and tapped him on the shoulder. He smelled a bit. If he has decided just to let himself go, then fine – I don’t need to interact with him. Wake up to yourself, Jeremy, wake up.

Amen, brother.


Talent night

Last night was Talent Night at the monkestry. We hadn’t held one before, but team morale hit an all-time low last Friday when Des accused Doris of taking one of his cleaning sponges home to do ‘who knows what’ and not returning it. Doris stepped on his foot ‘accidentally’ in the kitchen later during morning tea, and well – I just thought it was time to try and boost morale around the place.

Everyone was required to perform and we all sat in the bingo hall to watch the performances. My friend Thomas skyped in, too! The theme for the night was Dolphins (chosen by me in order to keep everyone’s creativity on track.) So, without further ado,in order of appearance, here is a rundown of our first ever TALENT NIGHT!


A poem written and recited by Jeremy

Fury of fin,
And fun,
Won’t you ever come my way?
And frolic in the sun?

Don’t sin,
Or kill,
But even if you do,
I will love you still.

(One person clapped)

Daphne then did a dolphin mime act. I didn’t take photos but it was really quite surreal. It went on for 22 minutes.

(No one clapped)

Des then read out a prose piece he said he had actually been working on for a long time and the fact that Dolphins was chosen as the theme of the night was really quite serendipitippitus for him.

Dolphins, Majestic They

Dolphins. These majestic creatures live in the ocean and balance rubber balls on their snouts. Dolphins. Do you love their streamlined majesticness? Dolphins. How many times have you dreamed to swim alongside them and be filled with their love and an awe of all living things, only to wake up and find you have wet the bed? Dolphins. Attackers in the night, they pull out weapons from underneath their flippers and try to skewer you with them as they have poisoned barbs at the end of their weapons. Dolphins. Slender, moist and fun-loving. Dolphins are truly the flowers of the sea and I love them. Thank you dolphins!

(No one clapped)

Daphne’s turn was then up but she refused to take part. To avoid a scene (once I reminded her that this was supposed to be mandatory) I got on stage to perform my own glorious act: Powerpoint slideshow of dolphins with mustaches on them! It was so hilarious (Everyone clapped) and they all asked to watch it again.

Here is a taste…

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Maybe next time morale is low in your workplace you should try a TALENT NIGHT!

I am so awesome and epic and a monkey

There’s this guy called David. No, not that David, the other David. Wait maybe it’s not that David, either. Look! There are literally millions of people in the world called David so maybe you do know him, but you probably don’t. This David lives in Korea. Know him? See! Didn’t think so! Although, if you do know him GOODY FOR YOU!

Look, you’re distracting me from my point. Just hours ago, David (the one I’m thinking of who you may never have met) nominated me for the Epically Awesome Award of Epic Awesomeness.

You red that write! I am really that good! Not many people (and even fewer simians) get to be called epically awesome! Was I surprised? Not really. Was I flattered? Yes!



To accept the award (which I do – even though I haven’t received the trophy and cash money prize yet) I have to list ten things about myself then nominate ten other blogs for the award. I’ll do the first part now, the second part I will do later in the week as I announce my 2013 blogroll (the list is the same). Cool? Cool. COOL!

Ten things about me:
1) I am a monk.
2) I am a monkey.
3) I live at the monkestry.
4) The others who work there are named Des, Daphne, Doris and (reluctantly) Jeremy.
5) I am an ex-Scrabble champion.
6) I have never completed a Rubik’s cube.
7) My robe only gets washed once a week.
8) Once I got a bit silly and ordered a banana shaped bath. It’s stunning, but I never have a bath so the banana bath just sits there.
9) The number 9 is my least favourite number.
10) My eyes sparkle in the sun.

And now, wet cats:


Jeremy is at it again. I wish he would just sit in the corner and shut up. Just because no one loves him and he has to look after my bananas doesn’t mean he should get all angsty and write poems…
But… he gave me this one and as his posts seem to double my page hits to 6 or 7, I thought FINE!


By Jeremy

Wrapped tight
In my chrysalis coccoon,
I close my eyes
Tighter still,
The spots of red and black appear
Upon my retinal diary. Here
I’ll stay
A day,
A year,
At least until my fear

Sweetest dreams
Are all I pray for,
Tiny tunes
Is what I wait for,
Birds awake
To wake me too.
Heartbeat take
A moment to


In which we have a visit from Jen (& Tonic)

So there we were, Daphne, Doris, Des, Jeremy and I – minding our own business in the monkestry, and setting up for bingo night, when who should knock on our door but Jen and her little friend Tonic.
Doris opened the door for her and Jen proceeded to do one of those kissy faces that mean ‘I am going to pretend to like you now. I will do this by kissing you – please kiss me back.’

Doris did not pucker up. In fact she grimmaced. Imagine my surprise, then, when Jen miraculously transformed into a clown to ‘try and cheer the old girl up!’
Quickly, I ushered Jen and Tonic into the kitchen. I had seen Doris blow her top before. (There is an unwritten rule at the monkestry – don’t call Doris ‘old’ or she will smack you in the face.)
After we had all had some milk arrowroot biscuits and a cup of tea, I took her to see Jeremy. He was sitting in his corner, writing poetry. He was sad and angsty. Gosh, I hate it when he is angsty. I turned, and lo! Jen had transformed again! This time into a cute, fluffy bunny!

Jeremy immediately started patting her ears and stroking her whiskers. He called her ‘Bun-bun’ and I vomited a bit in my mouth.
I grabbed Jen and yelled at her in Monkese so Jeremy wouldn’t understand. ‘How in the world do you do all these presto-changeo transformations?’ I shouted. ‘You are confusing me and putting my plain robes to shame! Eek-eek!’ I think Jen felt threatened by my outburst, because then, before my eyes, this happened:

‘Arr!’ she said, ‘Beware me cutlass or thy shall be made mincemeat!’
This was dangerous! ‘How can I put her off?’ I wondered. ‘How can I make her lose her concentration?’ And then I had the answer!
‘Ahem,’ I garrumphed, ‘you’ve gained a bit of weight, haven’t you?’
I thought I had her. No lady likes to be told that! But I was wrong. In an instant, she LOST 90% OF HER BODY WEIGHT!
Stick figure
‘That’s it!’ I shouted. ‘No more crazy costume changes, no more dismantling of the fragile social structures here at the monkestry, take your little friend Tonic, and BEGONE!’
She tried to distract me by doing this…
But I averted my eyes and held out my monkifix that hangs around my neck. Jen turned back to normal. ‘Fine,’ she sighed, ‘but can I at least use the toiley?’
I refused. ‘Des is cleaning it right now and he don’t wanna see you’
Tonic, who had until now been quiet and shy, walked out from behind Jen’s legs and kicked me in the shin with his pointy rock ‘n’ roll shoes.
As I hopped about, groaning in agony, Jen walked to the door, jumped into her exiting cannon, put on her pizzaball costume, and blasted off into the who-knows-where. (Tonic took a taxi.)
Pizzaball cannon

I have been feeling a tad guilty about how I treated our visitors. I’ve been thinking about it, and I think that Jen thinks that what others think about how and what she thinks will affect their thinks about her. Think – how many times did she change her appearence here today? She seems to be someone ill at ease with her appearance. Poor little Jen. I feel sorry for her. She really IS like a fragile bunny, needing the wisdom of a monk who is also a banana-loving monkey. And so, I have recorded the following special message, just for her special little face…

The lizard

This morning, Jeremy left his corner for five minutes to visit the toiley. I went to have a look at his area and found: a bottle of water, a used tissue, and this notepad. I took a photo of it to prove that he is the untalented waste of space that I’ve been telling everyone he is.


Monk Monkey soup for the soul

Many, many, many, (many) people (and non-humans too, like monkeys, apes, crabs, Jeremy) have asked me to list some of my pearls of wisdom. I am often getting quoted in and around the monkestry as I am so smart and my thoughts seem to travel to the depths of people’s (and crab’s) souls. So, here you go!
Feel free to quote these tidbits of hope as you keep your mind/life/heart on its journey towards completeness. If you are publishing those mini-books you see at the checkout full of Confucius, Einstein, Meg Ryan, and Forrest Gump quotes, feel free to add mine (and pay me royalties, of course!)

When you feel hopeless:

Each day has the potential to be a day.

When you desire a soul mate:

Love is just a chemical reaction in your brain – get over it.

When you feel you have lost direction:

Readeth a map.

When your passion is gone:

Light the fires of your heart, but don’t use real fire as that will hurt and kill you and then your passion really WILL be gone.

When you struggle putting one foot in front of the other:

Rollerskates may get thee there quicker, especially if thy maid hath coated the floor in oil slick.

When the Lord closes a door:

Open the door.

When the world is closing in on you:

Open the door all the way and put a doorstop under it so it doesn’t slam shut in the wind and give you a bit of a shock.

When you feel friendless:

Spend time with yourself, look after yourself, care for yourself, love yourself, and then you won’t NEED any friends.

When you have no one to talk to:

Sending emails to strangers may provide the brightest of sparks within the heart – if you stick a knife in the power point as you do it.