Kids say the monkiest things

Lovely children from across the globe keep sending me letters, which is very charming but gee whizz – I don’t have time to respond to all of them! I’m a very busy monk and a very lazy monkey.

To save time, I have answered the most popular questions I receive below. Now kids won’t have to ask me the same things over and over! OK?!

Why don’t you smoke?

Because it singes my lip and finger hairs.

Do you really exist or are you like God and Santa and the boogy man?

I am just like the others – I am real too!

What is your favourite colour?

Black – like the fires that burn in my soul.

Who would win in a fight if all the ninja turtles fight each other?

Um, swords! Duh Leonardo! (Also, work on your tenses.)

Who is better? Le Clown or Le Acrobat?

Depends on Le Circus.

I don’t like vegetables.

Can you rephrase that as a question?

I don’t like vegetables?

Close, but no cigar.

Can I visit you one day? I’d like to cuddle and kiss you and put on your clothes and cover you in butter. Butter is nice on toast.

You do that, and I’ll slit your face.

Whats better? Wrestling or boxing?

I don’t know, but my favourite sport is full-contact Scrabble. That is a real man’s sport!

Have you ever eaten fish? I have.

Gosh, what a boring question.

I love you Monk Monkey, do you love me?

Yes, I love you so much 🙂

monkey_hug_1

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Monk Monkey soup for the soul

Many, many, many, (many) people (and non-humans too, like monkeys, apes, crabs, Jeremy) have asked me to list some of my pearls of wisdom. I am often getting quoted in and around the monkestry as I am so smart and my thoughts seem to travel to the depths of people’s (and crab’s) souls. So, here you go!
Feel free to quote these tidbits of hope as you keep your mind/life/heart on its journey towards completeness. If you are publishing those mini-books you see at the checkout full of Confucius, Einstein, Meg Ryan, and Forrest Gump quotes, feel free to add mine (and pay me royalties, of course!)

When you feel hopeless:

Each day has the potential to be a day.

When you desire a soul mate:

Love is just a chemical reaction in your brain – get over it.

When you feel you have lost direction:

Readeth a map.

When your passion is gone:

Light the fires of your heart, but don’t use real fire as that will hurt and kill you and then your passion really WILL be gone.

When you struggle putting one foot in front of the other:

Rollerskates may get thee there quicker, especially if thy maid hath coated the floor in oil slick.

When the Lord closes a door:

Open the door.

When the world is closing in on you:

Open the door all the way and put a doorstop under it so it doesn’t slam shut in the wind and give you a bit of a shock.

When you feel friendless:

Spend time with yourself, look after yourself, care for yourself, love yourself, and then you won’t NEED any friends.

When you have no one to talk to:

Sending emails to strangers may provide the brightest of sparks within the heart – if you stick a knife in the power point as you do it.

Amen.