Sayings I hate to say or hear anyone else say. (Don’t say these sayings!)

Number 1:
“That was a cake walk.”
Sounds awesome, but in reality it is sticky and icky and if you don’t wash your feet it will make your feet smell so I suggest if you do it you wash your feet but don’t even do it.
I HATE THIS SAYING!

Number 2:
“The grass is always greener on the other side.”
Don’t people get it? Am I the only one? The grass is ALWAYS the SAME on the other side! This is such a stupid thing to say I don’t know why anyone would think different grasses are better or not than other grasses unless they are COWS or something. Grass looks the same and smells the same – everywhere!
I HATE THIS SAYING!

Number 3:
“Say it, sister!”
Look, she DID say it! Just then! She doesn’t need to say it again! PLUS she isn’t your sister!!!
I HATE THIS SAYING!

Number 4:
“Don’t count your chickens before they hatch!”
OKAY ALREADY, I WON’T. Now, BACK OFF!
I HATE THIS SAYING!

Number 5:
“One in the hand is worth two in the bush.”
I’m never in a bush so it doesn’t matter! I DON’T CARE!
I HATE THIS SAYING!

Number 6:
“A rolling stone gathers no moss.”
So? If you want moss, check out: trees, stones, rocks, trees again, dank basements, your brother, jungles, rainforests, and SO ON! FORGET STONES THAT ROLL! Go somewhere else for your STINKING moss!
I HATE THIS SAYING!

Number 7:
“Wassup, bro?”
NOTHING!!! NOW GO AWAY!!!!
I. HATE. YOU. ALL!!!!!

AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Monk Monkey soup for the soul

Many, many, many, (many) people (and non-humans too, like monkeys, apes, crabs, Jeremy) have asked me to list some of my pearls of wisdom. I am often getting quoted in and around the monkestry as I am so smart and my thoughts seem to travel to the depths of people’s (and crab’s) souls. So, here you go!
Feel free to quote these tidbits of hope as you keep your mind/life/heart on its journey towards completeness. If you are publishing those mini-books you see at the checkout full of Confucius, Einstein, Meg Ryan, and Forrest Gump quotes, feel free to add mine (and pay me royalties, of course!)

When you feel hopeless:

Each day has the potential to be a day.

When you desire a soul mate:

Love is just a chemical reaction in your brain – get over it.

When you feel you have lost direction:

Readeth a map.

When your passion is gone:

Light the fires of your heart, but don’t use real fire as that will hurt and kill you and then your passion really WILL be gone.

When you struggle putting one foot in front of the other:

Rollerskates may get thee there quicker, especially if thy maid hath coated the floor in oil slick.

When the Lord closes a door:

Open the door.

When the world is closing in on you:

Open the door all the way and put a doorstop under it so it doesn’t slam shut in the wind and give you a bit of a shock.

When you feel friendless:

Spend time with yourself, look after yourself, care for yourself, love yourself, and then you won’t NEED any friends.

When you have no one to talk to:

Sending emails to strangers may provide the brightest of sparks within the heart – if you stick a knife in the power point as you do it.

Amen.