In which we have a visit from Jen (& Tonic)

So there we were, Daphne, Doris, Des, Jeremy and I – minding our own business in the monkestry, and setting up for bingo night, when who should knock on our door but Jen and her little friend Tonic.
Doris opened the door for her and Jen proceeded to do one of those kissy faces that mean ‘I am going to pretend to like you now. I will do this by kissing you – please kiss me back.’

Doris did not pucker up. In fact she grimmaced. Imagine my surprise, then, when Jen miraculously transformed into a clown to ‘try and cheer the old girl up!’
Quickly, I ushered Jen and Tonic into the kitchen. I had seen Doris blow her top before. (There is an unwritten rule at the monkestry – don’t call Doris ‘old’ or she will smack you in the face.)
After we had all had some milk arrowroot biscuits and a cup of tea, I took her to see Jeremy. He was sitting in his corner, writing poetry. He was sad and angsty. Gosh, I hate it when he is angsty. I turned, and lo! Jen had transformed again! This time into a cute, fluffy bunny!

Jeremy immediately started patting her ears and stroking her whiskers. He called her ‘Bun-bun’ and I vomited a bit in my mouth.
I grabbed Jen and yelled at her in Monkese so Jeremy wouldn’t understand. ‘How in the world do you do all these presto-changeo transformations?’ I shouted. ‘You are confusing me and putting my plain robes to shame! Eek-eek!’ I think Jen felt threatened by my outburst, because then, before my eyes, this happened:

‘Arr!’ she said, ‘Beware me cutlass or thy shall be made mincemeat!’
This was dangerous! ‘How can I put her off?’ I wondered. ‘How can I make her lose her concentration?’ And then I had the answer!
‘Ahem,’ I garrumphed, ‘you’ve gained a bit of weight, haven’t you?’
I thought I had her. No lady likes to be told that! But I was wrong. In an instant, she LOST 90% OF HER BODY WEIGHT!
Stick figure
‘That’s it!’ I shouted. ‘No more crazy costume changes, no more dismantling of the fragile social structures here at the monkestry, take your little friend Tonic, and BEGONE!’
She tried to distract me by doing this…
But I averted my eyes and held out my monkifix that hangs around my neck. Jen turned back to normal. ‘Fine,’ she sighed, ‘but can I at least use the toiley?’
I refused. ‘Des is cleaning it right now and he don’t wanna see you’
Tonic, who had until now been quiet and shy, walked out from behind Jen’s legs and kicked me in the shin with his pointy rock ‘n’ roll shoes.
As I hopped about, groaning in agony, Jen walked to the door, jumped into her exiting cannon, put on her pizzaball costume, and blasted off into the who-knows-where. (Tonic took a taxi.)
Pizzaball cannon

I have been feeling a tad guilty about how I treated our visitors. I’ve been thinking about it, and I think that Jen thinks that what others think about how and what she thinks will affect their thinks about her. Think – how many times did she change her appearence here today? She seems to be someone ill at ease with her appearance. Poor little Jen. I feel sorry for her. She really IS like a fragile bunny, needing the wisdom of a monk who is also a banana-loving monkey. And so, I have recorded the following special message, just for her special little face…


The lizard

This morning, Jeremy left his corner for five minutes to visit the toiley. I went to have a look at his area and found: a bottle of water, a used tissue, and this notepad. I took a photo of it to prove that he is the untalented waste of space that I’ve been telling everyone he is.


The story of the horseshoe crumpet

Yesterday was a slow day at the monkestry. I decided to look in on Des as he cleaned the toiley, just after 10am. As I approached the toiley, Des’s voice came echoing out into the hall…

It’s a hard-knock life for us, it’s a hard-knock life for us.

I looked in, and with each push of his Steam X2O mop, Des was repeating the line from the famous song. It looked truly depressing and I told him to…


Des looked straight at me, before handing me a crumpled up paper. I was disappointed to discover it wasn’t his letter of resignation, but a story.

Why are you giving me this?

I asked. Des put his head down, continued to mop, and said…

I want to be a writer. What do you think?

I protested. My books were only popular in monkey catholic circles – I had no idea how to judge popular fiction. As a tear dropped from his eye and a tear appeared in his overalls, I looked down and read…

The story of the horseshoe crumpet

Stop right there,

I said,

Drop the ‘the story of’ bit – it sounds unprofessional.

Des ignored me and went back to his song so I continued.

The story of the horseshoe crumpet

One day I went to eat me crumpet after eating me lunch after cleaning the toiley after eating me breakfast after waking up after going to bed after eating me dinner… I skipped two pages …And lo! What should me eyes see, but a crumpet on me plate that looked like me auntie’s horseshoe! I looked at it with astonished bewilderment. Then I realised it looked like a horseshoe because I had forgotten that I had already taken a big, big bite out of it just before. I took the big, big bite out of it just after I sat down to eat it but before I realised I was about to eat it. In that little bit. The crumpet was a bit sticky because the butter and honey I spread on top soaked down through the crumpet and made me hands sticky. The end of the story of the horseshoe crumpet.

Des looked up with his eyes at my eyes and asked what I thought with his eyes. I said…

If you could clean the toiley as well as you wrote that story I would need to replace you.

As I left the toiley, I walked towards Doris who was singing tunes from ‘Pete’s Dragon’ which everyone knows is a much better musical than ‘Annie.



Introducing the troop

So, seeing as we’re (we are) all new here (he are), I thought I should spend some time introducing everyone (you guys over there) to everyone (us guys over he’re).

President and resident monk: Monk Monkey
I need no introduction but if you want to read my introduction, visit the About Monk Monkey page. There you can read my introduction that introduces me.

Door lady: Doris
She’s the one you saw sitting at that little table near the door when you came in. She is really important if you need to know the way to the toiley (toilet).

MC and DJ: Daphne X
Daphne X has been DJing for almost two weeks and she is getting better and better. You should see the crowd go off whenever the God Save the Queen medly comes on! Also does a great job hosting bingo on Tuesdays and announcing raffle winners.
Cleaner: Desmond
Just stay out of his way and you’ll (you will) be fine. He is good at what he does. He smells a bit and needs to be given a wide berth but we love him. Please also remember to ‘hold it’ each day between 10 and 11 while Des cleans the toiley.
Tea and biscuits: Carol
Iced Vovos taste delicious, but especially when you see them presented on a plate like Carol can! Oh, and her scones are to die for! We would all be a lot more depressed (and thinner – ha ha!) if the lovely Carol ever left us!
Miscellaneous: Jeremy
Were (we’re) not really sure who he is or what he does here, but Jeremy never leaves and he seems nice enough so we’ve (weave) decided to keep him.

So there you have it! Feel free to drop by sometime and see the gang! We’d (wee’d) love to meet you!